


Just a Girl

by XaviaAndromedovna



Category: Just One Of The Girls (1993)
Genre: Coming Out, F/M, Identity Issues, Misgendering, Period-Typical Homophobia, Period-Typical Transphobia, Trans Female Character, Trans Girls Getting Happy Endings, conversion therapy, homophobic violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2019-03-07 22:41:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13444932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XaviaAndromedovna/pseuds/XaviaAndromedovna
Summary: Chris thought going back to being a boy would be easy, but it's not.  Especially not when Kurt is still in love with Chrissy.





	Just a Girl

**Author's Note:**

> So, I just rewatched this movie and I have a lot of feelings about it so... here, have some trans angst. The language they use to describe trans issues is period, not necessarily how one should refer to trans people today. Unbetaed, also I should probably warn you there's gratuitous use of comma splices just because.

It starts with the voice.

For some reason, back when Chris was passing as a girl, the voice came naturally. It took no effort or even thought to raise the pitch, spread the lips, be expressive—it just came out. And it never really … stopped. When Chris passes Marie or the other cheerleaders or even teachers in the hallway, the voice appears like second nature. Sometimes Chris has to mentally lower the pitch to a sound more appropriate for a guy. It’s been four days since the grand outing and Chris still hasn’t adjusted to attending school as himse—as a man.

The voice is guaranteed to surface whenever Kurt is around. It’s accidental every time but Chris can still see the hurt in his eyes, hearing the voice of the woman he loved come out of… someone else. They’re friends now. Of all the things to come out of this farce, Kurt exploring his masculinity and finding peace with himself and others was not the thing Chris expected to stick. But ever since that day, when Kurt could have hit Chris but didn’t—

‘ _Why didn’t he hit me?_ ’

Chris doesn’t even know what they’re talking about, nothing really. All that plays through the musician’s mind is how not even a month ago the guy in front of h- him was actively trying to kill him, and now he’s laughing at something she said and he looks in her eyes and—

In _his_ eyes. They realize it at the same time. Kurt’s face falls and he mutters an excuse before brushing past Chris towards the boys’ bathroom. It doesn’t occur to Chris until much later that going in there to make sure he’s okay was even an option.

~~~

The make-up is next.

Chris wakes up late and, in a panic to get ready, makes it halfway through applying mascara before remembering that the routine for attending school as a boy is much less rigourous. Removing all the work done feels too time-consuming, and besides, all that’s missing is the lips. If anyone at school notices they don’t comment on it. It’s impossible to tell the general stares at the school freak from any specific stares about the done-up face. Whatever, Chris likes the way it looks, and besides guys can totally wear make-up, right? David Bowie did it, KISS did it—he’s a musician, he can totally get away with it.

Kurt takes one look at him, stares slack-jawed for 18 excruciating seconds, and walks off without so much as a word.

Marie comes by the house that evening. Chris’s parents insist that when she visits, they have to stay in the living room. Neither of them minds, because Marie has made it very clear that they are never going to be together like that. Chris is not as torn up about it as s—he expected.

“Is there something you want to tell me, Chris?” She doesn’t seem mad, per se, more exasperated than anything, and almost protective?

“Uhhh if this is about the make-up I just kinda…forgot?”

Marie laughs. “You forgot _not_ to wear make-up?”

“Hey, I don’t do my best thinking early in the morning. Force of habit.”

“You only dressed as a girl for like two weeks. I’m not saying it doesn’t look good; I mean, you’ve definitely learnt how to put it on like a pro but it’s…” She sighs, shifting uncomfortably on the couch. “Look, I know that you don’t mean to hurt him but this is really confusing for him. He’d never say anything about it, but he’s been in a mood all day and, well,”

Chris sips slowly from ~~her~~ his water. “He still loves me.” It’s not a question, so she doesn’t answer. They both know all too well how little Kurt’s affections have changed. “I don’t know what to do.”

Marie doesn’t say anything for a bit, and when she does eventually speak, it’s with the demeanor of someone approaching a wild animal or an emotional child. “Why did you protect him?”

”What?”

“After you came out, you could have let the whole school think he was gay, but you didn’t. You protected him. Which doesn’t make sense because I know you were stringing him along to get him to stop bullying you. So why’d you do it?”

It’s a question Chris has also been asking since that day, but one he has firmly refused to explore in any detail. “I dunno, I guess I just didn’t want to see him get hurt for something he didn’t have any control over.”

“Why not?” Chris looks at her curiously. “Hey, I love my brother but he was an ass to you as a boy and as a girl. Why do you care?”

“I guess,” she starts. “fuck, I don’t know, I mean he really has changed, and I wasn’t expecting that. I wasn’t expecting him to actually listen to me and take my advice seriously. And, I dunno, I guess I just didn’t want him to lose that progress.”

Marie puts her head in her hands and sighs. “Look, please don’t hate me for asking this, but I need to know. Do you like him?”

“What? No, of course not!” Chris puts down his glass and starts pacing. “Don’t get me wrong I’m glad we found a way to be friends but I don’t… I mean… that’s not… I was just dating him to get back at him. That’s it I swear.”

She looks him dead in the eyes. “Chris, I need you to be absolutely sure, because if you’re still stringing him along this is gonna get ugly real fast.”

What the fuck, of course he’s sure! There’s nothing between them. There can’t be. Chris huffs while plopping back onto the couch. “Tell you what, tell him to come see me tomorrow and we’ll hash it out then. He’s not gonna move on unless he hears it from me.”

Satisfied with that answer, Marie leaves and Chris collapses on the couch for a while, lost in thought.

~~~

The next day is Saturday and he has time so he shaves his legs. When this whole thing first started, the legs were definitely off-limits, but Chris has found that he actually really likes the feeling. It makes him feel weirdly confident. It has nothing to do with Kurt coming over that night. Neither does spending an hour choosing what to wear. Chris is just more…fashion conscious now. That’s it.

He throws on some shorts and a tight-fitting T. Accentuate his chest, let Kurt know he’s definitely not a girl.

“You’re not a girl,” he says in the mirror. “You’re not a girl.”

He almost believes himself.

Funnily enough, Chris isn’t allowed to have _Kurt_ in his bedroom either. “Just in case,” his dad had said. When the door rings, he leads his former bully to the living room. When he sits, he crosses his legs, and immediately realizes his mistake. Kurt slowly takes in the smooth expanse of his calves and swallows hard. This is not gonna go well.

“Soooo,” Chris drawls, voice a bit too loud and a bit too girly. He coughs and lowers his voice in both senses. “We should probably talk about this.”

Kurt is pointedly looking at anything but Chris. “Do we have to?”

“Dude, I don’t wanna talk about it either, but we have to figure this out.”

Kurt nods but still doesn’t look in Chris’s direction. “I— I don’t know what’s going on with me. In my head, I know you’re a guy and that I’m straight and that it’s just leftovers from when I thought you were a girl, but then, well, I still think of you as a girl and I just, forget. Sorry.”

“Kurt, you don’t have to apologize to me.” Kurt Stark, apologizing? Things really have changed. “I shouldn’t have messed with you like that.”

“No, you shouldn’t have—and I get it, I was a total dick to you for no reason—but it still happened and I can’t just…” He puts his face in his hands and eventually mutters something.

“Sorry, I didn’t catch that last part.”

Kurt glares at him before looking at the ground. “I can’t just stop loving you, alright?”

When Chris’s heart resumes beating, she carefully places a hand on his back. “That’s fine, I know it’ll take a while.”

It’s so quiet Chris almost doesn’t hear it. “Are you sure you’re not a girl?”

“What? Dude, of course I’m sure, I mean I was born a boy, need me to prove it?”

Kurt looks at him then. “No, I meant like, are you a… are you maybe… nevermind. I should go.”

Without thinking Chris grabs his hand as he gets up. “Wait.” He immediately lets go. Why did he do that? “Say what you need to say.”

He stands there uncomfortably clearly trying to drum up the courage to ask whatever is going on in his head. What he eventually says was definitely _not_ where Chris was expecting him to go with this. “I’ve been doing some reading. I’m sure the cashier at the bookstore has about five different theories about what’s going on,” he chuckles nervously. “Umm, so do you know what a tra- transsexual is?”

Transsexual. Oh sweet Jesus. “Yes, Kurt, I know what a transsexual is, what are you implying?”

Kurt looks as if the ground opening up to engulf him would be Christmas and Birthday in one. “Well… I mean… the, the make-up, and the legs, and—c’mon you did make everyone think you were a girl for two weeks, I—fuck—I’m just _saying_ that if you were a male-to-female, I would, y’know…support you or whatever.”

“I—“ Chris honestly has no idea what to do, because the question wasn’t even on Chris’s radar until just now. Is he… no, there’s no way. If he was transgender he’d know… right?

He must take too long to respond because Kurt eventually vomits up some more words. “If you’re not, that’s cool too, sorry I asked, I just, wanted to make sure.”

“I… don’t know how to respond to that.” Kurt looks like he’s debating something intensely before reaching into his jacket and pulling out a book. He hands it to Chris: _Stone Butch Blues_.

“The girl at the bookstore recommended it. I umm… I earmarked the part that reminded me of you.” He starts a couple times but says nothing further, just blushes his way out the door. Chris puts the book down and stares at her hands, trying to process what just happened. Fuck, _his_ hands, this whole conversation has Chris confused. Why would Kurt think he was a… he’s a guy, damn it, a red-blooded, All-American male. He’s very happy with his dick, thank you very much!

But is he happy with everything else? If he’s being honest—and at this point he might as well—he did secretly enjoy shaving his legs and putting on make-up and wearing dresses and having long hair and having a curvy silhouette and being a cheerleader and—

Fuck.

None of these things make someone a girl, but if he were a girl, these are the types of things he would do. They’re the things he _did_ do when he was a—was pretending to be a girl.

Chris’s dad walks in. “Left so soon?”

He flinches, unsure why. “Yeah, we just had to talk about something, and we did, so…”

His dad has been watching him closely ever since he found out. It’s unnerving. “Is everything okay? He wasn’t still hitting on you, was he?”

Chris rolls his eyes. “Kurt’s straight, dad.”

“Or so he says.”

“Dad,”

”Now, if he’s gay there’s nothing wrong with that, but I just don’t think it’s appropriate to keep trying things with you.”

“Dad, I’m handling it.”

“What’s this?” His dad picks up the book and reads the back cover. Chris has no idea what it says, but from his dad’s expression he knows this isn’t a conversation he wants to have. “Where did you get this?”

He exhales slowly. “Kurt gave it to me.”

“Uh huh, handling it, right.”

“Look, dad, I know you don’t like it, but Kurt and I are friends, and the least I can do after manipulating him for so long is help him process his feelings about it.”

“Yeah, I’m sure he’d like to process his feelings right here.”

“DAD!”

His dad drops the book back on the couch. “Son, I don’t know what’s gotten into you lately, but you’re starting to scare me. I appreciate that you’re stepping up and cleaning your messes, but I think he’ll be a bad influence on you. I clearly can’t tell you what to do anymore, but I really hope you know what you’re getting yourself into.”

When Chris’s dad goes back upstairs, she lies down on the couch and groans. Things should not be this complicated. His foot hits the book and he decides he might as well read it since it caused all this fuss.

The entirety of Sunday is spent consuming the novel. Some parts Chris didn’t really understand but the struggles of the main character resonated deep. Finally, Chris reached the chapter Kurt had bookmarked. The new character’s name is Ruth, and the more the author says about Ruth the slower Chris reads. A spark of recognition kindles into a fiery blaze in her heart and by the time she turns the last page she knows she can never go back.

~~~

Kurt was right; she’s a woman. And now that she’s seen what it can be like to have everyone casually accept her has one, going to school as a boy hurts that much more. Monday morning she very deliberately puts on her most masculine clothes, avoids even looking at her make-up, and steels herself for a long day.

When she arrives at the school, Kurt is perched on the railing as always, surrounded by his friends. Somehow, they managed to patch things up; why is anyone’s guess. Two facts occur to her simultaneously: the first is that if she tells Kurt he was right he’ll think it means she wants to get back together. The second is that he’s the only one she can trust with this and she actually…might not mind if he—

He sees her and the grin that lights up his eyes is devastating. He excuses himself from his friends and slides down the railing to meet her at the bottom. She tries not to smile and fails. “Hey.”

Her voice betrays her yet again, sounding more feminine than ever. “Hey Kurt.”

While he’s certainly calmer than he was a couple weeks ago, he still looks intimidating and closed off, especially now that he’s at school. He’s still a bad boy, just, y’know, less bad. Not that she notices these things or anything. It just happens to make his words all the sweeter. “I’m sorry if I freaked you out the other day. I was out of line.”

“Can we talk about this somewhere else? The last thing I need is more counseling sessions with the gym teacher.”

Kurt leads them to one of the lesser-used recesses of the grounds. He maybe grabs her hand when they’re out of sight of everyone else. She maybe doesn’t let go.

“So, I read the book.” Kurt looks in her eyes with equal parts fear and hope. “I think… I mean…I think I—“ She can’t say it. If she says it it’s real.

She doesn’t realize she’s shaking until Kurt pulls her into a hug and shushes into her too-short hair. Suddenly the weight of what happened the past two weeks comes crashing down on her. She remembers the fear of being discovered and the thrill of the first time she passed. She remembers that the story she told Glatt was mostly true; she had forgotten until she said it but she definitely tried on her sister’s clothes once. Or twice. She remembers how terrifying those sessions were and how they only made her want to be a girl more. She remembers the way Kurt looked at her their first day of school together.

She _doesn’t_ remember starting to cry but apparently that happened because Kurt’s shirt is tear-stained and he’s looking at her like he’s scared she’ll disintegrate at the slightest breeze. She laughs at the ridiculousness of the situation. “Well, the bright side of not wearing mascara is it doesn’t run everywhere.”

Kurt chuckles softly and follows her back to school. “What are you gonna do?”

“No idea. It’s not like there’s a lot of people I can talk to about it.”

They say nothing for the rest of the walk, their hands significantly nowhere near each other.

~~~

“So my parents noticed my growing book collection,” Kurt says over the phone later that night. “I think they put together what’s going on.”

“Great…”

“Yeah, they weren’t too thrilled at first, but we talked about it and uhh, they said that if you needed somewhere safe to, y’know, be a girl, they wouldn’t tell anyone.”

She almost drops the handset. “They said what?”

“Yeah, I was surprised too. Honestly I think Marie had a lot to do with it.”

“You TOLD her?!”

“I didn’t know she was there, she overheard me and my parents talking. But, hey, she totally took your side and I think between the two of us our parents just kinda, accepted it.”

Huh. She really needs to talk to Marie about this, but the knowledge that she wouldn’t reject her outright makes her feel lighter. “Kurt, I don’t know what to say.”

“Say you’ll have dinner with us tomorrow night?”

She will.

~~~

She almost doesn’t go through with it. Julie was kind enough to let her borrow her clothes one last time but she makes her promise to tell mom and dad soon. Say what you want about Julie, but she can be an awesome sister when she wants to be. “So Chris, are you and Kurt finally gonna go steady?” Nevermind, Julie’s a terrible sibling.

“Who even still says that? Nerd.”

“That’s not a no…” Julie singsongs.

“It’s none of your business,” she intones right back.

“Hey, I’m just saying, you two really are cute together.”

She doesn’t dignify that with a response. And if she smiles, that’s her prerogative.

Julie helps her sneak out and wishes her luck. She’s gonna need it. Marie and Kurt’s parents are sternly polite when they greet her at the door. She isn’t sure which is worse, the Stepford civility or Kurt pulling out her chair for her and grinning madly. “Kurt, I’m a girl, not glass.”

The laughter around the table is a little too raucous in proportion to what she said, but it releases a lot of the tension. She said it out loud and the universe didn’t explode. If they don’t make a big deal of it, it won’t be a big deal. It’ll just be five people sitting around a table eating dinner.

Marie pulls her aside after dinner. “I’m glad you were able to figure this out.”

“Thanks,” she smirks. “Couldn’t have done it without you.”

“You know,” she says faux-casually, “you helped me figure some stuff out too.”

“Like what?”

“Like just how much more I like kissing girls than guys.”

” _Really_ …”

“Yep. And before you ask, no I still don’t want to date you.”

“Not a problem, I think we’re much better off as friends.”

Marie smiles. “Agreed.”

Kurt offers to drive her home. As soon as they get in the car he starts laughing giddily. “Holy shit, that was awesome! I literally could not imagine this going any better than it did!”

“I can’t believe that actually worked. I actually…” She can have this. She can still be a girl. It’s _possible_.

“You okay?”

She places her hand over his. “More than okay.”

When they kiss, it’s not like before. It’s gentle, tentative, warm. It’s not as gross as she thought kissing a boy would be. In fact, there’s a lot of things about Kurt she shouldn’t find attractive but absolutely does. They stay in the driveway kissing for several minutes before she reluctantly pulls away.

Kurt revs the engine and takes off towards Chris’s house. “We should do this again sometime.”

“Definitely.”

When Kurt’s easily-identifiable car pulls up outside the Calder residence, her parents open the door. “Ohhhhh shit. I am so dead.”

“Do you need me to go with you?”

“God, no, that would only make things worse.”

“Hey,” he says, stilling her hands scrambling for the seatbelt release. “Whatever happens, I love you, okay?”

In that moment, she doesn’t really care that her parents are watching, she just leans over and kisses the boy so hellbent on making her happy. “If they kill me I’m haunting you.”

“Deal.”

Her parents say nothing as she passes them and enters the house. The three of them sit down in the living room. She looks at nothing but the ground.

“What the hell were you thinking?”

“Louis, we said we wouldn’t—”

“Yeah, well, I’m tired of tip-toeing around this. Chris, tell me what is going on with you!”

She breathes in and out slowly, as slowly as she can. “I didn’t expect it to go down like this. At first it was just a way to get past Kurt but then everyone at school treated me like a girl and it was just so… it made sense in ways I never imagined. But I was terrified everyone would find out and then you did and between that and Ms. Glatt making me feel like a freak for feeling like this I realized I wouldn’t be able to continue as a girl anymore. And I thought that if I told everyone then it would be over, and it was for maybe three days. But I, it just feels like second nature now to act and dress like a girl and I realized that I don’t really feel like a man. ”

“So what are you saying?”

She dares to look at them. “I’m a girl. I’m trans.”

Her father is speechless. After a moment, he gets up and silently goes upstairs. Her mother doesn’t say anything either, just holds her while she cries in her lap. Later that night, she can hear their fight from her bedroom. She tries to sleep, but she can’t stop wondering if she’ll even still live here in the morning.

When they sit down together the next morning, her parents are calm and collected. Julie keeps looking at her with pity and it’s not helping. Her dad speaks first. “Your mother and I have discussed it, and we strongly believe you should see a doctor. You’re welcome to stay at the house, but if you live here you do so as a boy, is that understood?”

Her mouth is dry and her tongue is slow. “Understood.”

“You are also not to see Kurt again.”

“Dad! That’s not fair!”

“I will not have him corrupting my boy by making him think he’s a girl.”

“He’s not corrupting me—“

“ _Christopher._ ” She stops talking. “This is not a discussion, this is an order. You will stop seeing him immediately.”

She’s not sure where it comes from, but she musters the courage to ask. “And if I refuse?”

“Then you’re welcome to leave.”

“Dad, this is ridiculous—“

“Julie, stay out of this.”

“No! She is the same person she was last month, she’s just a girl now. And if you’d been paying any attention, you would know that. This didn’t just happen all of a sudden.”

The word ‘she’ is still floating in the air above them. Louis clears his throat before enunciating every word: “HE is a boy. And you two enabling him isn’t helping.”

Her mom’s interruption is so quiet and so unexpected that it freezes Chris in place. “If you kick her out I will divorce you.” No one dares speak for a long time until her mom looks her in the eye and continues. “Chris, I don’t understand any of this, and I really think you should talk to a professional. But whether you are my son or my daughter or whatever you will always be my child. I don’t like the idea of you dating Kurt, but frankly I can tell you’re crazy about each other and it is what it is. So. You will attend therapy and you will keep all cross-dressing activity out of the house. Are we in agreement?” 

It’s not perfect, but it could be worse.

~~~

She has been spending a lot of time at her boyfriend’s house lately. When she walked into school wearing her wig and a dress three days after the big blow-up with her parents, the other students were too surprised to do anything about it. The principal and Ms. Glatt however had much to say on the subject.

“Legally, I can’t forbid you from wearing women’s clothing as long as you are in compliance with the dress code. However, you are expressly forbidden from the women’s locker room and bathrooms.”

“And you will participate in gym as a boy. Your parents inform me that you are seeing a therapist so you no longer have to meet with me every day, but I will be watching you closely. I’m really disappointed in you, Chris, I thought you worked past this.”

“There’s nothing to work past because there’s nothing wrong with me. Am I free to go?”

Her therapist Marcia is actually pretty cool, and was shocked that Ms. Glatt put her through what she calls “conversion therapy”, which is apparently not actual science. Instead, Marcia’s been helping her come to terms with her identity and exploring options for the future. She’s not sure what she wants to do; musically she could make it in the business, but as a trans woman, there are too many slammed doors in her face.

The last time she appeared in public as a guy was three weeks ago, and it was a jarring experience, especially since Kurt kissed her anyway. There were a few scrapes and bruises, but Kurt has a reputation around town for taking no shit and if anything being with her has increased that reputation. If the Starks are annoyed by how much she’s at their house, they don’t comment on it. There’s always a place set for her at dinner, so maybe they don’t mind so much. She mostly goes home to sleep and talk to Julie, but things have been thawing between her and her parents. Her dad finally stopped correcting people on the phone when they call her his daughter.

She’s lying on his bed while he reads at his desk, door wide open per parental request. “Kurt, why do you like me?”

He puts his book down and glances at her quizzically. “We’ve been together five months and you’re just asking me that now?”

“What can I say, insecurity is a lifelong journey.”

He rolls his eyes and sits next to her on the bed. “I love you because you’re the only girl who ever called me on my shit but still cared enough to listen. You’re headstrong and mischievous and smart and beautiful and I’m lucky to have you.”

She looks at her nails pretending his words didn’t affect her. “All true. You really are lucky to have me, aren’t you?” He starts tickling her in retaliation and the only way she gets him to stop is by kissing him senseless, which she’s found is a useful strategy for getting him to do her bidding.

After graduation, they move into an apartment together and immediately christen it on the floor of the bedroom. It’s their first time together, so they’re not quite sure how to proceed; this kind of thing isn’t exactly covered in sex ed. Kurt still has some mental blocks when it comes to Chris’s body, but they make do just fine. They’ll figure out the rest later; for right now, they’re just two horny teenagers in love.

Her parents slowly start visiting her at the apartment, which is getting them accustomed to seeing her in her ‘girl clothes’, although at this point they’re just her clothes. She, Kurt, her parents, and Julie are about to sit down to dinner on the night it happens. She runs back into the kitchen to grab something, and she hears her dad say, “what’d she forget?”

She manages to get the dish onto the table before bursting into tears. “Chris, what’s wrong?”

She smiles and shakes her head. “You called me ‘she’.”

Her parents get up and encircle her in a hug. They stand there embracing for a while, tears trickling down their cheeks. And in that moment, she knows that everything will be okay. She composes herself and they sit down at the table together, a family.


End file.
